I’ll Take Stupid Injuries for 200, Alex (On Sprains, StripXpertise, and Standing up in Heels)

Big Tuesday night.

First off, IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK.

I blame my boyfriend the software engineer because he was all, “Go off of WordPress (my old site was thespindiaries.wordpress.com which is less catchy) and get your own site!”

“It will be fun!” he said.

SPOILER: it was NOT fun, because I am not a software engineer, and I don’t know how to, say, renew my SSL certificate. (SCC? CSS? SLR??? whatever, it’s some certificate that will do whatever the opposite of warning people to flee because it’s unsafe to be on my site is).

So, I’m really sorry about that, and please note that I bought no fewer than 3 SSL certificates and begged my (very busy) boyfriend daily for about a week and a half before he was able to fix this.

But we’re back up!!! I’m so relieved!!

It was naive to think tread would protect me.

SO: some stuff that happened while I was down: I took a sexy floorwork class and sprained my ankle because I can’t walk in heels!! Whoooop!

This is kind of hilarious to me, because I still haven’t fallen yet while learning to ice skate (except for one time when somebody literally crashed into me), but literally just walking in heels, my ankle buckled and I went straight down. The struggle is so, so real.

In my defense, this was at the end of class when I was kind of exhausted and a little shaky, and I swear, that floor was uneven. But it doesn’t seem serious. (Sidenote: do NOT Google Images search “sprained ankle” because you will see some shit). I think it’s something called a “high sprain” because it hurts when I turn my foot inward, but it’s not swollen at all. I don’t mind this PS. because I read it’s an “athlete” injury. *flips hair.* ATHLETE STATUS.

But anyway, let me give you the backstory on this class: I bought a groupon for a class package at this place I didn’t realize at the time was not a pole studio. It’s like a “sexiness” studio: it does lap, floor, and um… other more risque classes I won’t mention here. To be honest, I’m not super interested in this stuff on a whole, so it took me a long time to remember to use the classes, and by the time I pulled them up in Groupon, they were expired.

The studio is StripXpertise (this is turning into a review of StripXpertise by the way, is that cool?) and the owner, who answered my “please can I used the money I spent on these towards at least one class” email really nicely and promptly, gave me a class credit to use.

But because I procrastinate with trying new studios (they make me nervous, I’m a creature of habit), I put it off for another year or so. And then I finally signed my ass up for a floorwork class on Tuesday, excitedly packed some kneepads and Pleasers, I …. went to the wrong address.

(I was like strolling up to the street number I had in my phone, patting myself on the back for being super early, and realized I was at my ballet studio. Ummmmm, ABORT).

Again, I have to give props to this owner for being a total angel because when I called to explain, she very nicely offered to give me back the class because I called, and told me it was fine to be late too if I still wanted to go.

but seriously though, I was too excited to wear these to skip a class.

I mean, I come from a “if you’re 2 minutes late don’t bother” kind of background with dance classes, so I was a little taken aback by this, but…. I did already have my knee pads on me, so I said “fuck it” and jumped in a cab.

Side note: this owner’s attitude REALLY made an impression on me. Not only was she warm and professional on the phone, I got an email notifying me I was credited the class back, and it started with, “Oh no! You had to cancel a class. Hope everything’s okay!”

Like….. how sweet is that???

It really made an incredible impression on me. I’m a sucker for good customer service.

So anyway, I tried to very subtly duck into the class, but the instructor (who was leading a lesson in “predator face” at the mirror) trotted over in her incredibly high heels and HUGGED me. Then she guided me over to mirror and gave me a quick recap of what we were doing.

Again, I was kind of expecting to at least be ignored, at worst be branded with a scarlet “L” for LATE, but she was incredibly welcoming. We worked on serving face, which made me extremely uncomfortable because I just realized I often avoid my own eyes in the mirror while dancing. But after a few attempts, I realized that the techniques she was teaching (for lip biting, slight smiles, lip licks, lowered eyes) were looking less and less stupid on me and more… effective.

It was powerful stuff.

We moved on to walking in heels, then learned a quick on-the-floor sequence. This is where I made a major breakthrough.

Dear reader: in all my years of pole training, I have never learned how to stand up in heels without using a pole.

Tuesday evening, around 8:15pm…. I learned.

10:15pm or so I burst through the door of my apartment and made my boyfriend video the technique before I forgot it.

(Here it is btw because it would be kind of mean not to share. Please excuse the crappy quality, it’s literally ripped from instagram).

But I digress. We did the whole routine over and over again, and somewhere during the 4th attempt or so, I wiped out. Like, full on bit it, with a little scream and everything. (Nobody came over by the way, which somehow made me feel worse–like it was so embarrassing that nobody wanted to acknowledge that I had just done that. Oh well).

Big Tuesday night.

So, I’ve been icing and elevating, but otherwise I’m fine and looking forward to trying a heels class again! Again, customer service goes really far with me, so after getting a goodbye hug from the instructor, and some great information from the very helpful and friendly sign-in person, I bought a 5 class package. I have my eye on splits training… I’m excited to try it and get to know a new studio and group of people!

Do other pole people take “sexy” style classes that don’t involve our chrome friend? It feels half like cheating, half like supplementing. I’ll report back!

Meanwhile in pole world… I’m still in PT purgatory, but I DID put my pole back up at home, which feels like progress. My boyfriend got some photography backdrops, so we might play with them and take a few posed pictures this weekend. Let’s see how many tricks I can still do! But knowing my luck, I’ll probably find a way to break my toe or something. #stupidinjuries.

Last thoughts, in no particular order:

  1. When did clear lucite heels go out of fashion??? Literally every chick in this floorwork class had black leather pleaser boots. I felt very passe.
  2. This class was a flagship journey for my Liquid Motion knee pads, and while I haven’t tried them on the pole yet, they provided awesome padding for floor work. I have kinda chubby thighs so they worked their way down a bit, but so far, I’m really enjoying them. Anybody else tried and like? I think I’ll definitely give them a spin at home next because the floorboards have gaps and always scrape me up…

    Brie felt really uncool in her clear pleasers in this class full of bad ass leather. The falling also didn’t help.
  3. I’m working on a video for y’all! I had to make an “about me” type audition video for a workstudy program I’m applying for and there were some v. silly outtakes that might actually be interesting/useful. My bf was asking some general questions to help me warm up for the interview, and I’m curious how y’all would have answered questions like “what would you tell men who want to pole dance?” I certainly had fun..
  4. I got a Theracane! So far it’s really helping replicate the bodywork I get done at PT on my traps, whilst helping me conserve my precious 20 visits for the year. (Thanks United Healthcare… not #stingybitches). Let me know if you’ve heard of these and if you’re curious about them and maybe I can put together a review and/or video demo. They’re 20 bucks, so if you have some cray cray trigger points in your upper traps and levator scaps (heh, rhyme) like I do, it might be worth looking into.

Thanks for bearing with all my technical difficulties, and remember you can always find me on @thespindiaries on insta if I got offline again for some other ungodly reasons involving some licensing thing I didn’t know I needed. (but also like, pray for me because if that happens I straight up won’t know how to deal with it).

XOXO and hope to be on here more frequently since this recent clusterf***!

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