Not pole, but I’m sure lots of women out there can relate to this:


On a kind of unrelated note, I saw a pole show the other day called Pole Speak and saw Delijiah Franklin dance to a song with in similarly exhausted, heartbroken key and kill it DEAD. Bae was there and can attest she was also one of his favorite performers. (Aggie Ng was also present and utterly showstopping and breathtaking, among other performers I didn’t catch the names of because there was no program, ack). Also, can it please be socially acceptable to Shazam a performance??? So many songs I’ll never find again D:

Anyway, I’ve been listening and mentally choreographing to this ever since I saw Delijah’s real number–so good, right?

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On a personal note, I haven’t forgotten about you all (HI, how have you been?!!), but I have been travelling for a few weeks (see Insta for pics! @thespindiaries), and I’m still very much out of commission, shoulder wise. At the risk of TMI but to paint a more accurate picture for you, my boyfriend has been clasping my bra for me on some days, and I have to wear dresses when I can’t get my arm behind me enough to pull up a pair of pants. It’s not that bad every day, but it’s bad.

I’m seeing newsletters from my dance studio about performance opportunities and trying not to weep. I miss pole so bad it hurts, but I can’t even imagine attempting any of my old favorites moves like this. But I’mma just have faith and keep going to physical therapy. My doctor says all the body work has been breaking down scar tissue and helping me realign, so that’s encouraging.

But bouncing back to 4:43/4:44… how many people are just over Jay and Beyonce at this point? I was pretty done once I heard Lemonade, but this “Jay Z speaks” 4:44 stuff really has me rolling his eyes at him and the whole relationship (or at least the public depiction of it).

I’ve been in Bey’s shoes (ok not literally because she’s got way, way better shoes) and it has never been worth it. It has never paid off. It has never gotten permanently better.

On the flip side, I’ve also been lucky enough to, after dating lots of shitty, fucked up, lazy, self-indulgent losers, meet a man who’s never, even for 5 seconds, in two years of dating, let me feel like I wasn’t loved or important.


Let that sink in, because it’s out there. It exists. And it’s got to be available to lots of people, because I don’t think i’m anybody special. And my boyfriend isn’t any kind of beamed down angel. He’s just a good man that cares about me, and acts accordingly. He recently almost poisoned himself because (after warning him NOT to kiss my neck/back/arms/ etc. randomly when I get out of class because of nasty mats and floors I’ve been on), he absentmindedly smooched my shoulder several times after I put prescription joint medication on it and had to wash his mouth out with soap. It was pretty funny.

This is a normal type of occurrence for us. But again–I don’t think that’s because we’re special. I think this is normal when things are cool and men aren’t overgrown infants who don’t know how the fuck to be a person.

Having had this experience (FINALLY) kind of makes me kind of shake my head at these “4:44” relationships. Really? He’s grown and changed? Great, throw him a party, but don’t date him anymore. Why would you want to be with somebody that let you feel that way to begin with?

If you read “4:43” you may have related to what the author said about wanting the pain to pay off. Which is SO natural and makes perfect sense. Unless you look at it like gambling. In which case it’s better to walk away and play something fair, where the work pays off.

So I don’t know… I’m not really feeling Beyonce and Jay Z anymore. I’m kind of ready for Beyonce to be single and then shock everyone by getting together with some nice guy nobody who builds her a farm complex in rural Texas and they live Happily Ever After with Blue Ivy playing in the woods and shit. What do you think? Did you even listen to the album (I have not renewed my Tidal account since Lemonade, oops). Fill me in.

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