Enjoy this epic voicemail from the pits of my dating hell.

Hey guys!

Couple of things: 1. I made an invert video even though I’ve been hella sick! I shot it 10 minutes before I ran out the door last night and haven’t looked at it since, so it might be crap at worst and will definitely need editing/uploading at best. So sit tight!

2. Oooooooh my god, dating.

Dating.

I have been rejected a lot in my life. Most recently, twice in the past month–both times by guys I had two great dates with and had tentatively set up a third with. Until they changed their minds.

Guy #1 told me he was “emotionally unavailable right now.” Okay, fine, whatever. But he elaborates, and eventually reveals that not only is he boning another person right now, he did so the night/morning of our last date. #class. This hasn’t stopped him from trying to backpedal a few days later with, “We’re in an open relationship–but she wants me to date!” Uh, yeah. I’ll think about it.

Guy #2 had asked me out again after an awesome 2nd date, but then decided he was too busy with work and that maybe we weren’t compatible. Again, fine. Whatever. Did this hurt my feelings? Yes. Do I understand that this type of thing is out of my control and I just have to eat it? Yes.

It would have been fine if we left it there. But no, we didn’t. He went on to explain that the reason we were incompatible was that he believed that I wanted something “serious” and he did not.

This isn’t quite fair because I don’t even know him enough to know whether I want to be “serious” with him, but I said “okay” to it because ideally, I guess I do want a real relationship. So fine.

And then he invited me over.

Like, 10 minutes after explaining why he doesn’t want to date me.

This is bizarre and offensive for many reasons–the most pressing of which: he had just dumped me, and I had just finished crying over it (I’m very sensitive about this stuff at this point, leave me alone).

I told him I thought this was offensive (being upfront, heyo), and after some feeble backpedaling, he called me. I was disgusted with the entire situation at that point, so I did not pick up.

What felt like several minutes later, my phone buzzed. I had a voicemail. A long, long voicemail.

Again, too disgusted with the situation to deal with it at the time, I listened to it on my way to the laundromat the next day. And oh. My. God.

It takes a lot to piss me off to the point where I will go to the trouble of learning how to turn a voicemail into an mp4 file, and then how to turn an mp4 file into a video format that YouTube or Facebook will accept, so trust: this voicemail really, really pissed me off.

I’ll go ahead and let it speak for itself. But remember: this guy had just dumped me. Then he asked me to come over to his house at 10pm on a Friday (I have never been to his house and I don’t even know where he lives). Then, after reading texts where I explicitly told him off for confusing me with a hooker, THIS is what he had to say:

So, dating.

Invert video coming soon, hope y’all had a better weekend than I did!

Also, feel free to commiserate if you’ve had close encounters of a douche kind, it always makes me feel better.

OH, totally unrelated but important: I saw an incredible fusion bellydance to this song last night and I walked three subway stops out of my way getting home from the show so I could listen to it on YouTube and mentally choreograph. That’s how you know it’s good. Enjoy!

XOXOXO

7 Comments

  1. What? Who does that? I had a guy show up at my house and say he was there to seduce me after he had broken up with me the week before, but this doesn’t even compare.

  2. Ok first the credits at the end of this voicemail, listing you as the director are hilarious.

    Next…omg…where does one start? The number of men in our country who still think that this is apropiate, acceptable and unbelievably even (by some); clever dating behavior just amazes me. In this day and age there are a number of website one can visit to hook up if that is in fact the only thing someone wants to do. If that is the perogative, take it there. But dating by its definition implies a set of manors for god sake. Unfortunately there are an extrordinary amount of idiots a woman has to negotiate her way through to find a nice guy.
    Took me way way too many years. I met my husband at a company softball league. Truth be told he was not at all my usual type but we got along really well as friends for 6 months and my parents kept talking about “how obvious it was that he was crazy about me and could I at least go out on one date with him to just give the guy a chance!” We were married a year later. Sometimes nice guys are kind of hot once you get to know them. Who knew?
    Don’t give up on dating.

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