I hate teddies because I don’t like showing my stomach: keeping it real.

I have stomach issues.

That means two things, both related to each other:

1. I have issues showing my stomach because I never know what the eff it’s going to look like, and I can’t seem to find any correlation between diet and exercise and whether or not it’s going to be flat our puffed out post-natal style. (sorry).

and 2. I have literal, physical stomach issues. I have been in denial of this for a long time, because the aforementioned diet, exercise, and a very low dose of prescription meds mostly keeps it under control. During other stressful times (NOW, like, totally right now), things go a little haywire and all kinds of pain and general puffiness ensue.

I’ve been doing all the things I normally do to get things under control: up the dosage on my meds. Drink tons of water and exercise even though I’m feeling some ouches. Eat lots of basic, varied foods. But, ya know, I’m still dealing. It’s a flare up. And despite a better-than-ever diet and 5-days a week gym routine, it’s giving me a Homer Simpson gut.

…Just in a time for a belly dance show on Sunday! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Anyway, I’m still trying to live my normal life like this isn’t happening to me, and I was in a pole class when we decided to do a Teddy.

First of all, I fucking hate Teddies. Because:

1. I think they’re ugly. I mean… you’re basically holding your thighs open like, LOOK AT MY CROTCH. LOOK AT IT. I mean…. 

2. I can’t do them. I get up there and the underside of my arms is like NOPE, and then I slide down with a loud, long screech.

3. They fucking hurt to fail at (I can’t say “they hurt to do” because I have never successfully done one. Fuck.)

Oh yeah, and last but not least, I hate Teddies because never fail, when we’re trying to do them, the instructor says “you really need to expose a little stomach to grip the pole.”

And then I pretend that I didn’t hear so I don’t have to lift my shirt, but everybody else does. And then when I inevitably fail at my next Teddy attempt, the instructor will say again, “It will REALLY help you to lift your shirt a little and get some skin.” She’ll avoid eye contact with me so as to pretend that she’s not directing her comment at me, the only person in the room with my torso fully covered, and I’ll pretend once again not to hear her. The dance continues.Image

Yes, I really hate showing my stomach that much.

Yes, I’m aware that I belly dance and that’s pretty ironic. (I almost always keep my stomach covered in belly classes too).

Anyway, I’m already anticipating horrible, bloated pictures from my show, so here’s a preemptive strike: a picture of how good my abs looked this past Saturday.

I have so few days where my hard work actually shows, so while I was Face Timing a friend while chopping vegetables and went to wipe my hands on my shirt, I saw my stomach and went WHOA, GOOD STOMACH DAY FOR ONCE and snapped a shot.

I know it sounds vain, but when I’m in classes this week in a normally-loose top that’s stuck to my pot belly like cling wrap, I need that picture.

It’s an emotional thing.

Do you guys have a body part that continually embarrasses you? Am I missing something about the Teddy? How in the hell does your armpit support your whole body??? Pls explain.


  1. I fin with the teddy, it;s not your stomach that helps make the contact but the skin on your back. Im also not a fan of the split leg teddy I don’t think it’s very pretty, but i like tucked and pike variations of the move. I totally get not wanting to show skin though, my stomach is by far my least favourite part.

    • oh, see tuck and pike I can get down with… or the single bent knee with the other leg extended–those are pretty! but I don’t think of them as teddies because they don’t have the open arm/open leg look of a teddy bear (hence the name). but, catch me up on your technique–in ratios, what do you think the weight-bearing distribution is from back to under the arm? 50/50? 70/30?

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