Are you a basic (pole) bitch? 4 irrefutable signs

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The answer to many questions in life.

I’ve been thinking about the topic of basic-ness in recent days, and the answer (for me) lies in this brilliant T-shirt.

It all started with this poignant video.

And then read I this article defending Basic Bitches. (My opinion: Britney has always secretly been R.A.F.)

Now, for the sake of the community, I have decided to put together a list of Basic Pole Bitch Criteria. It is by no means exhaustive though, so if you have any addendum, please drop it in comments!

Also, if you are unfamiliar with basicness, it as defined (by Urban Dictionary, natch) as the following:

1) one who has no personality; dull and irrelevant
2) just an extra regular female
Further extrapolation, I asked my friend Julie who’s really good with this stuff, to give me some examples of things that are basic. Here’s what she said:
-Tweeting that you are at Starbucks
-Owning a Coach purse
-Wearing yoga pants that say “Sexy” on the butt
It took me a while, but I think I am finally grasped my own interpretation of the essence of basic-ness: doing things the way you think other people in your target demographic would do them, in a misguided attempt at having an identity (but you fail because you are a cliche).
I consulted Julie about my use of a free Victoria’s Secret umbrella on a recent rainy day, distraught that it might have been a basic move. That’s when she informed me that the flip-side of basic is doing something that could be PERCEIVED as basic, but is actually a well thought-out means to an end. Using free swag, she informed me, may appear basic (and it would be, had I purchased the umbrella), but since it was raining and the umbrella was free and readily available, its use was instead a “Ratchet Tactic”–the opposite of a basic action, due to its self awareness.
Okay okay, it’s getting hard to keep writing this with a straight face, so let’s move on to the “basic bitch moves” of pole dancing.
Ignore them at your peril! (Or flaunt them, because it’s not that serious and you should do what you want in life):

1. Your favorite polers are Jenyne Butterfly, Felix Cane, and Alethea Austin

Okay so these women are all obviously incredible, but being “basic” is not about having bad taste–it’s about being generic and predictable. Like saying your favorite band is the Beatles, name dropping a poler that non-polers could possibly have heard of is super basic basic. I KNOW I’M SORRY, I DON’T MAKE THE RULES.

2. You’ve danced to Portishead

Wait, wait, don’t tell me–you just want to be a woman.

Girl please, you are a bitch, of the basic persuasion, CASE CLOSED. (Also I am guilty of this).

3. You don’t really dance so much as wrench yourself into poses for the picture

If your sole purpose for poling is the Instagram shot… you know what it is. BASIC. Note: I would be basic as fuck in the this category if I could do anything worth Instagramming.

4. Your booty shorts came from Forever 21

Actually, no, no, my best girl Julie just informed me that using something cheap and totally passable is not “basic” but in fact classified as the aforementioned “Ratchet Tactic,” which is A-OK. Cheap booty shorts fo-eva!

So what’s your status? Basic Pole Bitch? Bad Pole Bitch? Ratchet Tactic Usin’ Beyotch?

XOXOXO

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