Okay, so I’m a big, fat hypocrite.

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Scene from our run-through on Sunday (I’m on the right, kneeling). I was an hour late to the 10am-6pm practice because I tried to go to a birthday party AND have drinks with a date the night before–after 8 hours of rehearsing on Saturday, of course.

ALRIGHT FINE. So I picked on 300 sandwiches girl before realizing, yeah, I’m kind of an overachieving people-pleaser like that too.

It’s kind of like being a really desperate actress who gets dismissed from an audition and just won’t accept it. “You want sexier? I can do sexier!!! You need a German accent? I CAN DO THAT. Someone who makes expertly crafted sandwiches? Hang on, let me go to the library and get a book on that, BRB.”

Lately I’ve been racing back and forth between my day job, Bellyqueen rehearsals, coffee with a guy I like (and am trying to impress while sweaty and exhausted and adjusting my outfit on the way back to work–yes, we have to get our coffee to go because I was supposed to be back at the office 10 minutes ago, ahhh), day job again, dance classes, Fireblossoms rehearsal, night job, night course, work study, pole classes, more dates with boys I am trying to impress while scattered and exhausted… and y’all, I am THISCLOSE to failing at all of it, at any given time.

I can feel it–that little wobble on the tightrope. The expression on somebody’s face when I have to apologize yet again for having to leave early or arrive a little late. The schizophrenic list of shit I have to do the next day that flashes through my head just before I fall asleep, like that creepy scene in a Clockwork Orange, and I get so overwhelmed that I start thinking about calling in sick to everything because it’s too, too much. The Failure is lurking, waiting for me to slip up.

Luckily, it’s almost over; the Bellyqueen show is Friday and Saturday. But it’s really made me question why I do this to myself. I overbook, over-commit, overload, all the time. Why? WHYYYYYY.

Why do I put all this pressure on myself to have a date after a 14 hour day, and look perfect and act charming when I’m exhausted?

Why does it feel wrong to have 3 hours to myself at home, alone? Like I should be anywhere, doing anything else?

Why do I have to throw achievement in my bucket at all times to feel like a full person?

The voice in the back of my head is always saying, “Do more, work harder, be better,” and if I’m honest with myself, if I had a boyfriend who really liked sandwiches, I would probably be doing that on top of everything too.

Balls. I can’t be the only one like this… right?

Are you guys overachievers too? How do you decide which stuff to prioritize? When does pole start falling by the wayside–when you have a hot date, or only when work stuff comes up?

XOXOXO,

A very frazzled Cathy.

14 Comments

  1. I dont know how hard you feel it is to write your blogs or if you are just being yourself but you already come across as charming and hilarious ( thought you should know) you have no need to try to be, you already are.
    I am not an over achiever, I never ever finished school, I’m pretty lazy, but I’m a great mum, a loyal friend and I’ll do anything to help anyone, these things are important to me, so these are the things I put my energy into. I try not to be to hard on myself or put too uch pressure on myself because I don’t like the fear of failing, in a way I never take risks but I feel safe day by day, Pole is the biggest risk i’ve taken in a long time, I would never have the guts to work the way you do along with all the extra stuff, I’d feel like I was burning the candles at both ends!
    you are incredible, I get exhausted just reading your blogs, I totally think you need a break, but mostly i think you need to stop a second and realise that you juggle so much every day and that is totally impressive!
    b x

  2. Too much. Way too much. Do less, be more. Hmm, how about this. If you had a friend on the verge of burnout who didn’t give herself time to replenish her energy stores what would you say? Alternately, if a friend DID allow herself a few hrs each night to decompress would you think badly of her? If yes, then it’s an issue what now you value time spent. I’d no, then you are valuing others higher than yourself regardless of the time.

  3. oh oh Angela, are you doing the hop/photo suggestions thing for october? laybacks, legs, etc? YOU TOTALLY SHOULD. If you do I will make the effort at well! I need to get my ass back on the pole, lol!

  4. oh oh Angela, are you doing the hop/photo suggestions thing for october? laybacks, legs, etc? YOU TOTALLY SHOULD. If you do I will make the effort at well! I need to get my ass back on the pole, lol!

  5. I see myself in every single part of this blog post, just switch out the dating with trying to make time for my husband!

    I am in school full time (20 credits, and currently maintaining a 3.94 GPA), I run the Colorado Pole Championship (where I do absolutely everything from running the website to doing my own accounting), I am starting up my own business for photography, videography AND web design (and am currently working on three different videos, building two websites, and have a couple of outstanding photo print orders), I teach pole twice a week (and sub classes for others any time they ask because I apparently don’t know how to say NO), I try to take 4-6 pole classes a week (plus 2 contemporary dance classes), and then comes maintaining my blog, my studio’s website and blog, and last trying to actually get some sleep and catch up on The Daily Show every now and then. Gosh, that was exhausting just typing it all out! (I sense a blog post on overachievers coming up from me, which I guess is a total overachiever thing to do?)

    Wanna try something? Let’s both take a whooping 30 minutes “off” every day for a whole week to do something relaxing, whatever that might be. For me, that’ll probably be something like taking a bath, or reading a book, or anything at all where my phone and laptop are far, far away from me.

    • wow. Stunned. You are AMAZING… but it definitely sounds like you could use a break too. I just lost my smartphone and then my computer died, and weirdly, I’m… relieved? I might try reading before bed instead of tv/a movie/checking email now! PS. Is it just me, or are women always the ones doing 3-4 jobs like a BOSS? why are we so darn talented and hard working? haha πŸ™‚

      • If I lost my smartphone and computer at the same time, I’m pretty sure I’d have a heart attack. But yes, women tend to be overachievers way more often than men! πŸ˜‰

  6. I see myself in every single part of this blog post, just switch out the dating with trying to make time for my husband!

    I am in school full time (20 credits, and currently maintaining a 3.94 GPA), I run the Colorado Pole Championship (where I do absolutely everything from running the website to doing my own accounting), I am starting up my own business for photography, videography AND web design (and am currently working on three different videos, building two websites, and have a couple of outstanding photo print orders), I teach pole twice a week (and sub classes for others any time they ask because I apparently don’t know how to say NO), I try to take 4-6 pole classes a week (plus 2 contemporary dance classes), and then comes maintaining my blog, my studio’s website and blog, and last trying to actually get some sleep and catch up on The Daily Show every now and then. Gosh, that was exhausting just typing it all out! (I sense a blog post on overachievers coming up from me, which I guess is a total overachiever thing to do?)

    Wanna try something? Let’s both take a whooping 30 minutes “off” every day for a whole week to do something relaxing, whatever that might be. For me, that’ll probably be something like taking a bath, or reading a book, or anything at all where my phone and laptop are far, far away from me.

    • wow. Stunned. You are AMAZING… but it definitely sounds like you could use a break too. I just lost my smartphone and then my computer died, and weirdly, I’m… relieved? I might try reading before bed instead of tv/a movie/checking email now! PS. Is it just me, or are women always the ones doing 3-4 jobs like a BOSS? why are we so darn talented and hard working? haha πŸ™‚

      • If I lost my smartphone and computer at the same time, I’m pretty sure I’d have a heart attack. But yes, women tend to be overachievers way more often than men! πŸ˜‰

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