Like, what are you people, Olympic gymnasts? I loved that anyone looked at this utter insanity and though, hmm, I could do that but I would prefer not too. Like that’s even a possibility for me in this lifetime, laaaaaaaaawl.
Anyway. Slow pole week. I’m mostly chipping away at things that are extremely difficult and painful, but are unimpressive, such as mid-air choppers and the elusive elbow hold. No one is impressed by this, but holy cow does it hurt.
So instead, let’s discuss IST: Idiotic Small Talk, and also, my rage that people don’t seem to know how to talk to each other aside from the same asinine comments about what people are wearing or the weather. (Or you can just skip to the Louis CK vid below, which more succinctly does all my complaining for me).
But first, the TSCIHEO: The Stupidest Conversation I Have Ever Overheard. It goes like this: two dumbasses who apparently work together get into an elevator. After a “hey” and several seconds of silence, the male dumbass says to the female dumbass, “Oooooh, it’s hot coffee season.” (She is holding a cup of hot coffee).
More seconds of silence, as the FD (female dumbass) slowly absorbs the concept that it is fall, and thus cool, and she is holding a hot coffee. Then she says, “I don’t really drink coffee.”
More silence. I have the urge to kill both of them. Instead, I glance at her cup of coffee suggestively. The suggestion being, YOU ARE HOLDING A CUP OF COFFEE WHAT ARE YOU SAYING STOP THIS MADNESS.
“I drink lattes,” she says. Like that clears it up. But she doesn’t just say “lattes.”She says “leh-TAYS.”
Of course I had to give her a look again because a latte is coffee AND WHY ARE YOU SAYING IT LIKE THAT????
Then they got off the elevator. It was a 20-second interaction, but it set a murderous tone for my whole day. And then I went to lunch and this guy ran up to hug this girl and the first thing she says is, “Hiiiiiiiii (heavy on the vocal fry, natch)… I like your shiiiiiirt?”
I know I’m being a bitch and there’s nothing wrong with complimenting somebody’s shirt, but really? They looked like they were long lost friends, running through the streets to throw their arms around each other and reunite. And that’s all they had to say. I LIKE YOUR SHIIIIIIRT?
OOOH, IT’S HOT COFFEE SEASON.
I DRINK LEHTAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS.
(I swear I’m not getting my period).
Is this why we’re all frantically hiding behind our smart phones in social situations? We just have nothing of important to say to one another anymore?
I mean, when I see my friends or colleagues, I genuinely want to know how they’ve been. I wonder if my friend who’s a groomer finally got enough dogs at her new job; I wonder how my hooping friend’s show went. I wonder if that rando guy from San Francisco ever DID call K. (He didn’t, womp womp. Guys, quick aside: why do you beg for a girl’s number so you can “call you tomorrow” and just not? Mysteries of the Universe, hmph).
Just, the moronic shit humans say to other humans makes me want to rip their gold iphones out of their hands and plug up their mouths with them. And then probably take the iphones back out and run away with them, because my phone got stolen and I need to check my Gmail, mang!
I saw Louis CK’s bit on Conan yesterday, and as usual, agreed with him so much that I welled up and almost kissed my computer monitor. So watch it, and it his honor, let’s all make the world a less irritating place by having a genuine conversation with someone today. Bonus points if you wait for your coffee at Starbucks without scrolling through your phone, like the guy who just completely missed my sexy posturing and shy-yet-interested smiling. Laaaaaaaame.
Anyway here’s Louie: