Where did the time go?! I just realized that it’s been almost 2 years since that fateful day that I first printed a Groupon for a pole dancing class and my life changed forever (or, for at least two years or so).
It was something I’d been curious about for a while, but I think the real push to actually GO to the class came from just getting out of a relationship.
Or, more accurately, a relationshit.
You know when you’re in a relationship, and nothing dramatic happens–no one cheats, no one beats up anybody’s siblings at family parties, no one has substance abuse issues–but things just… get shitty?
Like, the tone the other person uses to ask about your friend Joe’s job search just suddenly really pisses you off, or you have a three hour screaming fight because he doesn’t like that your ex works a block away from your office and is friends with you on Facebook, but Jesus, why can’t he just trust you? (Not taking this from real life, tooootally making it up. Cough cough).
It’s when you can’t remember the good feelings feelings you once had, because the bad ones pile up like manure on rose bushes and who can smell flowers through the overpowering aroma of shit, shit, SHIT?
Okay I’m being over-the-top here, but the point is, though the “slow fade” is totally the best kind of break up (since all the SWEET, SWEET FREEDOM overpowers the sad feelings), it’s still going to sting.
You’re still going to be lonely.
You’re still going to wonder if you’re really all that, without a boyfriend around as proof.
You’re going to need validation, the company of friends, and exercise.
Lady, you need pole.
Let me break it down for you:
Reasons Why Pole Will Help Immensely In Your Breakup Survival
1. You will look like a fine, fine dime piece (that he dropped, whoops, watch out, somebody else is picking that up!), thanks to a combination of serious toning and carrying yourself like a BOSS.
2. You can sweat out your pain without having to deal with the gym. And let’s face it, you need all the endorphins you can legally get.
3. You will make tons of supportive female friends. (Seriously. They will clap for you when you get a new trick. Everyone needs applause in their lives).
4. You can EXPRESS YOURSELF (Evanescence, anyone?).
5. You will be distracted (yay, learning new things! What’s his name again?)
6. You will have a place to go at a certain time that is not your apartment, where the ice cream and your cell phone is. Keep that schedule full, girl. Classes, classes, classes.
7. You will have new goals to keep your life on track (“I can’t drink myself into a stupor, I have a pole class in the morning and my Superman is soooooo close!”).
8. Your ex will cry when he finds out. (Mine did. They all do. Enjoy).
9. You will feel sexy and amazing about yourself without making any bad, boy-related decisions.
10. IN FACT: you’re going to get choosier about boys. You’re going to get choosier about everything in your life, because you realized through pole that you are AMAZING. You are strong and sexy, and you have a community behind you.
Him? Oh, like that Beyonce song, he’s replaceable. But you? He’s going to have to look looooong and hard for another one. And she probably still won’t come close.
Anybody else take up pole after breaking up? ADMIT IT! Or if it made your relationship awesome, tell me about that, too. GIVE ME HOPE.
Happy (single!) twirls,