Okay, so, I arranged (and paid) for internet to happen at my new apartment when I moved in.
6 months ago.
Um, and I still don’t have it, because I have not been home to receive the modem. Like, ever.
Still working on that, but the point is, until I have magical internet, I’m switched over from “normal” Netflix to “poor people” Netflix, which means I get DVDs in the mail. (I can only paint my nails after dinner so many times, you guys).
Anyway, it was cool for a while, but after a few weeks, I started getting Random Shit. Stuff that I added to my DVD queue like, a year ago, and can’t remember why I wanted to see it.
Coincidentally, I was getting really into pole a year ago.
That’s the only reason I could think of for why, as I tore open the red envelope last week, I Know Who Killed Me was staring back at me. Whaaaaaaat?
OH WAIT. She pole dances in that ish!
So, I checked the rest of my queue, and there it is: tons of awful, awful movies that happen to feature a minute or two of pole dancing. Showgirls. Striptease. Powder Blue. Closer. Crap, most of it.
I guess I could just remove the movies from my queue. But… I’m not going to lie to you. I am totally going to let them come to my house, and when I do, I watch them start to finish. Even though I will probably learn nothing from them at this point in my dancing career, I still feel compelled to sit through these movies. Maybe just to feel superior to the actresses struggling with a reverse hook spin.
Whatever the reason, if I’m going to be a judgey asshole, I may as well do so with you guys. So let’s all feel better than Natalie Portman TOGETHER. You with me? Cool, let’s do this. Get some popcorn.
MOVIES WITH POLE: VOLUME 1
Film: I Know Who Killed Me
Star: Lindsay Lohan
Movie Quality: I told a friend I was going to watch this, and he said he saw parts of it on TV and it was “bewildering.” He was right.
Dance Skills: (Out of 10): 3 for actual pole technique, 7 for sensual movement. (And the thing with the cigarette. WAT. This doesn’t get points added or subtracted for technique, but it begs a mention.)
Highlights: Cute stripper push up where she finishes with a perfectly-timed hair flip/kick combo. I like your style, kid.
Lowlights: Did I mention the cigarette? This is less about dancing than… yuck. Also, the “bonus” footage (re: less artfully edited) of Lindsay’s pole dance on the DVD reveals that her basic fireman spin involves both feet in front of the pole. Tsk tsk.
Reality check: As part of a key plot point, Lindsay dances with silk, elbow-length gloves on. Um, no.
So how much of this was editing?: A loooooooot. A quick review of the “Bonus” dance footage on the DVD special features reveals that the “above the waist” shooting while Lindsay was on the pole was indeed a deliberate move. She’s good at faking as far as face, hair, and spin momentum, but the legs are a big ol’ mess. Also, the entire dance is in slow motion–which makes a simple move like opening your legs look extremely impressive, and other moves (that were rushed or jumped into in reality) seem super sensual. Too bad we can’t do that in real life. It is EFFECTIVE.
My takeaway: It’s easy to make a pole dance look incredibly sexy through the lens of a camera. There was a lot of slo-mo and zooming in on facial expressions, shoes, legs, hair… so ladies, we all need to go easier on ourselves when it comes to dancing perfectly for a whole song. We’re doing an extremely difficult job really well.
THAT SAID: Trust that whatever movement you’re doing is look-worthy and people will look. Lindsay did. And even when I was being judgey, I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
Did you guys see this movie? Want to weigh in? Have any suggestions for movies to add to my queue, that will really embarrass me if anybody visiting finds them?