Pole Makes Me Feel Sexy–So Please, Dear God in Heaven, Can Somebody Get Me a Boyfriend.

DISCLAIMER: this post has nothing to do with pole.

You guys, I am single as fuck.

Being a pole dancer AND belly dancer (SHOW NEXT WEEK), and just starting chair dancing (more on that another time) means that I’m currently in the best shape of my life, feeling awesome and smexy, and also that I’m spending 99.99% of my free time with women.

So, being that I’m straight as fuck in addition to being single as fuck, my life leaves a bit to be desired. No offense ladies, you’re amazing. Just. I need testosterone. Badly.

Speaking of hormones, I legit think I’m radiating some kind of chemical or something lately. I’ve made more smoldering subway eye contact in the past few months than I’ve made in 6 years of riding the train. But, ya know, I’m shy so I always crack up and run off with out saying hi or anything. Not an effective tactic.

My perfect man: Jemaine Clement, from Flight of the Conchords. He’s married. OF FUCKING COURSE.

And the guys I work with are  great (confession: I have a crush on one that’s so bad that I’m incapable of looking directly at him, ever), but, they’re all in LTRs, so, yeah. Slap on the wrist for me. Down, girl.

I would beg all of you to find me my perfect guy, but dude, I have no idea. I don’t date a lot (I have to really like a guy as a person/friend to even go there in my brain, most of the time), but when I do, it’s… eclectic. A Russian mathematician. An Italian financial analyst. A West Indian (St. Lucia, holla!) IT guy. And now I find myself randomly drawn to Asian guys, and I’m still holding out for a writer (*swoon*). ??? I know, I know, dafuq is wrong with this girl, right?

Anyway. I’m just bummed out because I know I have to be the right girl for somebody. But I’m really shy, and even if guys approach me I get so nervous I have to just shut it down. Yeah I know, I’m hopeless.

And–confession time again!–I’m also very scared. I was checking an old email account and I found a draft I never sent this guy that I was soooo in love with, who alternated between sending me beautiful love notes and then ignoring me for weeks at a time.

I still kinda hate myself for getting sucked into that (for like 2 years), but reading my own words, I feel really sorry for me circa 2008. I was very trusting that this guy had good intentions, and I kept trying to work things out in ridiculous and painful conditions, and, I’m scared that I’m totally still that person. Which means, hey pain! Let’s hang out!

Anyway, how did you guys meet your boyfriends? Do they have nice brothers or cousins?

Please dear god, help. So. Fucking. Single.

Anyway, here’s a Portishead song.

Happy twirls, you blisffully attached bitches!


  1. I know many people will cringe when i say this, but i met my partner via online dating. I know i know, people love to hate on online dating. But I went into it looking to make new interesting friends who i wouldn’t otherwise meet.
    I made a lot of new friends that i still keep in touch with. people who were not right for me but cool in their own way and we chose to keep being friends. I find that when you go online looking for friends, you will make lots of new friends and sometimes some of those friendship will turn into more. it’s no pressure that way. I used plentyoffish.com and advertised that i was looking for friendship.
    Anyways I’ve been with my guy for almost 2 years and it’s the best and most happy relationship I have ever been in. We were friends for 2 months before we ever went the dating route. And I don’t know that we would have ever crossed paths without that online connection.

  2. Wow… I’m really into your blog lately. I’m having the same problem. I tried asking my girlfriends to introduce me to unattached guys in their lives… and all of them only know men already in relationships or women. Not helpful. No idea where you would meet men, let alone men that are worthy of dating… Good luck.

  3. I have a suggestion: Since you’re all fit and flexy now, you could easily take up another sports hobby that generally attracts more guys. Something like rock-climbing, MMA, Capoeira, etc.. chances are high that you’ll meet a couple of single boys who have the reverse problem as you do: not meeting enough chicks.

    I’m sure they’d be impressed to meet a strong sexy girl who can hold her own in a new sport. And guys love it when a cute girls asks “Could you show me how to..?” (Cue Lucy Liu dressed as the dominatrix office consultant in Charlie’s Angels!) Easiest chat-up line, ever.

    And at the very least, you’ll meet more people and make new friends who might be happy to introduce a sexy single girl to their single boy pals. Try it! 🙂

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