What’s in a (stripper) name?

Hey guys!

Quick question… (pretend we’re at a sleepover): if you had to pick a stripper name, what would it be?

And none of that “your pet’s name plus your street” stuff… for REAL. What would you want to be called?

I ask, because I’m in the odd position of needing one. No, I’m not crossing over to the dark side (though I could use the cash, not saying just saying); this is for my legitimate job.

So I guess the whole schtick with parties at my studio is BE AN EXOTIC DANCING DIVA (cough stripper cough) FOR ONE MAGICAL HOUR. Or two hours… hey, it’s your money.

I mean… I don’t know about that… I’mma teach you a lot of awesome stuff, and you can wear a feather boa and heels. But, ya know, nobody’s going to throw money at you and you BETTER keep your clothes on because I don’t need to see that.

But anyway. Part of the experience is stripper names. They need to pick one, and I need to walk in with one.

So, going by the chart my manager gave me (yes, there’s a chart, I swear to god I’m not making this up), there are certain categories of names that you can choose from. Jewelry: diamond, gold, platinum; Spices: pepper, spicy, ginger; Weather patterns: stormy (actually, I made that category up, but Stormy’s totally a cool stripper name, right?), etc etc.

There’s more categories too, but there’s so ma

ny that I’m not going to type them all. So here’s the thing: I’ve narrowed it down to like 3 or 4

possible names/random objects… but I’m having a hard time choosing. Here’s my brass ring,


1. Ruby


So yes, this was from the “precious metals/jewelry” chart. I like it because it’s technically a gem but also sounds like the name of the scrappy little girl next door. And I’m scrappy. Very, very scrappy.

2. Chanel


So this is a true story: I went to school with a girl who’s first name was literally Chanel Number 5. I know this, because she got called down to the principal’s office like 12 times a year. “Chanel Number Five Colvin, please come to the main office. Chanel Number Five, please report to the main office.”

Setting that aside, I like this name because it’s less tacky than “Gucci” and rolls off the tongue a little easier than “Dolce and Gabanna.”

Have you guys ever actually smelled Chanel No. 5, by the way? It smells like bug spray. Maybe I have bad taste.

3. Jezebel

ImageMeh. I like the website?

4. Jessy

She’s totally hot, right?!

This is from the “tomboy” category. I think I just like it because the hottest stripper from Dancing At The Blue Iguana had this name. Also, the cool chicks in boy movies always have guy names like this. It’s cute, yes?

5. LacyImage

I think of the Party of Five chick when I hear this. Passably sexual, but cute in my head. Aww, Lacey Chabert, I know you’re like 30, but you’re so cute. And we both have tiny voices! Win.

So what do you think?

Here’s some horrible names on the list, for your enjoyment. But seriously… give me an opinion, I need help.

1. Sensation


2. Bootylicious

Too Destiny’s-Child-circa-2002.

3. Bunny

They poop too much. Also, isn’t this what elderly men called their aging wives in the 50s, or did I make that up?

4. Lake

It works for Lake Bell and NO ONE ELSE.

5. Chardonnay


Okay, enough snarking. Come to my classes this Saturday, bitches!

Happy twirls,



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