This is why I’m fat.

Here’s a quick, three-part summary of the last month: the first part stuck was spent entirely indoors (Sandy), the second part lazing about on the futon with a cold, the third part, cooking then (of course) consuming cheesecake and pie.

Here’s the thing with pole: you get spoiled. You can eat what you want and not worry about it, because your body genuinely needs and will use the food. But then things happen, like your studio closes for the holidays, and it’s totally too cold in your apartment to put on shorts, and your fitness game slips.

Now I don’t like eating much junk food, per se… you won’t catch me with white bread, spray can cheese, bologna, or doughnuts very often. (Actually, now that I typed that out it all sounds delicious together. WHATS HAPPENING).

But I will eat with abandon, until I am full. I don’t worry about calories and fat, so long as I’m getting enough good stuff into my body. Sweet potato french fries? Vitamin A! Guacomole? Healthy fat! Whole grain tortilla chips with flax seeds? Fiber! As long as a food is mostly “real,” with some sort of nutritionally redemptive qualities, I’ll put it in my face. Seriously. And in all honestly, this tends to work just fine for me.

But… then I stopped exercising. I was rehearsing a belly dance routine with my NEW DANCE PARTNER (okay it’s actually an old friend but WE HAVE JOINED FORCES! CAPITAL LETTERS!!!1!!!!) when I noticed my undulation was looking extra… undulationy.

Kinda like this:

Anyway, we have a show coming up (OMG YOU GUYZ, BELLYDANCE SHOW!!!!! More dets soon, I promise), and I had the startling realization that I can NOT be dancing around in a half shirt like this.

So here are the new lifestyle rules, until I look more like my normal self:

First things first: no more alcohol.

Wait wait wait, I’m not an alchy, hear me out! I’m talking wine and beer. I’ve been doing a lot of holiday socializing and that means a hideous combination of chips, the aforementioned guac, and the better half of a six pack.

Want to get fat? Slow down your metabolism with alcohol and THEN pig out without exercising! Super efficient. I’ve tested this method and been extremely successful.

Another really awful thing I’m doing: too much hookah. This doesn’t really make you fat… but it does make you wheezy and lethargic, which is not terribly conducive to exercise.

I’ve been spending way more time in the belly dance community, so to speak, and thusly, spending most of the three hours watching dancing and eating hummus with a pipe in my mouth. THREE HOURS. Imagine chain smoking that long. I’m suddenly panicked that I have emphysema.

Anyway, I’ve been over my cold for at least 2 weeks so there’s no reason I should be this tired and still coughing. I’m blaming the several hours worth of hookah with friends, several times a week. For like, 2 months.

(I know, bad. Really, really bad).

Anyway, my final solution (too German?) is: pole dance, duh!!!!

I’m committing to at least an hour, 3 times a week. Practice, classes, whatever. And on off days, conditioning and/or stretching. Just some kind of activity to remind me to stop being a fat fatty who is getting kind of fat.

I was watching a video I took of some practice dances just a month ago and I can’t believe how different my ass already looks. How can things change so much in one month?! I guess this is a symptom of the late twenties settling in. Ew.

Anyway, tips for me?  Please? Pole usually kicks my butt pretty efficiently, but if you’ve got any workout or diet secrets you swear by, please share!!

Classes this week: Thursday and Saturday! Check the schmedule.

Happy Twirls!


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