It’s kind of sigh inducing when you say “pole dancing” and people hear “Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls.”
Let’s get something straight.
First of all, nobody licks poles. Poles are gross. Poles are covered in sweat, rubbing alcohol, and Dry Hands (that stuff golfers use to grip).
Second of all, there’s nothing particularly exotic or sexy about a pole dancing class. I’d say it’s on par with Bikram yoga, as far as the amount of time you spend with your legs in the air, or showing the wall mirrors your crotch. Heya!
It is much more fun though. You listen to hip hop! You spin around at high speeds! You wear heels! (Actually that part sucks. And it’s only sometimes).
But still, only slutty sluts who are slutty do pole dancing. Right? Otherwise they would just do yoga! Those whores.
Let’s set aside the fact that yoga sucks and talk about what pole does for your body.
Actually, let’s not. Let’s talk about why I hate yoga: there are no distractions. Yeah, yeah, I get that that’s the point. But when you’re uncomfortable, why think about it? You’re stuck in an unnatural position for an ungodly amount of time with nothing to detract how irritated and in pain you are. (A sampling of my thoughts during a yoga class: “THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE. WHEN ARE WE DONE. OH GOD WHAT IF I SUDDENLY HAVE TO FART”).
It may be good for your body, but mother of god, yoga sucks.
But I digress.
Pole dancing tricks you into thinking you’re having fun while beating the crap out of your body. I bet if you were to tell me to do oblique crunches, leg lifts, squats, pull ups, reverse abdominal work, and glute squeezes for an hour, I would give you the Rage Comics “Bitch Please” face. And yet, that’s exactly what an hour of dancing accomplishes, plus aerobic work.
Take a pinwheel spin with an ankle hook, or an extended-leg hangman, for example. (Youtube that shit!). You don’t notice because you’re whipping around a pole like a little kid and generally having a blast, but wow are you busting your abs and increasing your flexibility. True story: doing nothing but desperately trying to make a pinwheel spin look good, I somehow built up the flexibility to so a split in six months. I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING YOU. It might have even taken less time, but I only recently discovered this when somebody asked me if I could do a split, and I laughed at them–“Haha, no way, look at how pathetic this attempt at a split is going to–OH MY GOD I JUST DID IT.”
That’s a life long dream right there, accidentally fulfilled by pole dancing. I also do zero additional exercise outside of dancing, yet magically wake up with batman abs after drinking or it’s hot out (thanks for the chiseling, dehydration!).
Of course, I’m not exactly objective when it comes to pole dancing, because I’m a teacher now. But all the same, I want you to respect it. Cherish it. And before you talk trash, maybe even TRY IT!
- A. It’s harder than it looks (seriously, give the girls that do this some credit).
- B. We would all be making much more stripping instead of seriously dancing or teaching…except that we’re interested in seriously dancing and teaching
- C. Looking sexy while pole dancing doesn’t mean you’re slutty… it means you worked your ass off in practice
- and D. If you knew how fun it is, you’d be doing it too!
Curious? Consider giving it a spin! (see what I did there? WORDPLAY.)
You can check out some of the classes my studio offers here, and call or email to learn more. Just ask for Cathy! (Or “Britney Spears” or “The White Girl.” They’ll know who you’re talking about).
Hope to see you… happy twirls!